It's ages since I written on my blog.
I've to admit, I was very much surprised that there were some of you who'd still took the trouble to check out my blog, despite my...'laziness'?
Thank you to each of you.
Partly, very small partly, I am lazy, but, mostly, it was because I lost that drive to write after the long break. It felt like the burning fire inside me whenever I write, the stimulating fire that consumed me each time I write, the feverish excitement everytime I blog, had died. Disappeared. Vanished. Gone. Suddenly, I'm left an empty shell, lost, forlorn, uncertain. I lost my inspiration...my muse had deserted me to face my incapability and hopelessness, and worse, I lost my faith, my confidence in myself.
I'd no idea what to do with myself at all.
Worse, even if I do, nobody cares. That thought left me spiralling into a bigger depth of despair.
It was bad, very bad.
Just a few days before my such state hit me, I'd been all fired up, all fresh for a new start after the long, tiring and boring break. I'd updated 'About My Blog' and even carefully, meticulously written up a description of my blog. I've gotten much clearer about the path I wanted to take, with my blog. I realized, during the break (yup, at that time I was pretty much addicted to my blog, eventhough I'm not supposed to), that I was much too vague about what I wanted my blog to do.
The blog started off as a means for me to better express and manage my feelings, and of course, to further enhance my writing skills. Later, it became much more than that as I began to have followers (though not much to boast off) and wider readership. I realized it'd started to mean too much to me to be just a tool, and I wanted it to have an influential power, and garnered the hallmarks of a great blog, making it into 'Blogs Of Note'. I'm far from making it big, but that doesn't mean I couldn't dream big.
So when my sorry state kicked in, and started to wear me doen, bringing my spirit, ambitions down, I began to feel that perhaps I couldn't and wouldn't make it after all. I just don't have the talents, the making in me. I should just have given up.
(Was it just a few months ago that I'd written Satisfaction is where you find it? How different I'd been then. Humans change much, often and a lot. I'm an example.)
So, what made me changed my mind?
The book 'Like the Flowing River'. That goes to show how books can change a life, and how it had always took part in the malkings of my life, never failing. Not even once.
It was the chapter 'The pianist in the shopping mall' that gave me a wake-up call. It told me, it's a lie when I think no one is reading my blog, and that nobody cares, even God.
Because God cares. God listens. God understands. And God help you, guide you, in no ways you can comprehend, when you're unaware.
"God is in the soul, and in 'my mind, my heart, my passion, my love, my dream', because 'I am' giving the very best of 'myself'. "
"We, each of us have our personal legend to fulfill, and that is all. It doesn't matter if other people support us or criticize us, or ignore us, or put up with us-we're doing it because that is our destiny on this earth, and the fount of all joy."
"Whenever we feel that no one is paying attention to whay we're doing, let us think of that pianist. He was talking to God through his work, and nothing else mattered."
So am I. And that's enough.
Whenever you feel the same as I do, read a book. Read this book. Perhaps you will find something unexpected along the way, and come to terms with yourself, just like me. Best of luck.